johanna; german; she/her.

"we die reasonably fast; but then mrs. smith had twins this morning so the account is even" - aaron burr

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finalgrlfriendarchive-deactivat:

im a girl. im not a girl. im not not a girl. im your dad. im a milf. i eat human flesh. im having sex with your wife. im a princess. im a criminal. im immortal. they will never find your body

pothoslesbian:

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Unfortunately this is EXTREMELY funny

ten-thousand-crows:

christianstepmoms:

theylor:

sometimes i get a little stressed out because i’m living in a part of history that’ll one day be talked about and discussed and papers written and what am i doing? what have i done? laundry, barely

Written in 2016.

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alithographica:

I’m learning my third language right now and the more I work on it, the more I’m glad that English is my native tongue because oh my god how does anyone learn the rules of this miserable cobbled-together nonsense that constantly has exceptions to its own rules and then exceptions to the exceptions

How has anyone learned to pronounce //a n y t h i n g// in English

All of you who learned English as a second language deserve an award and our apologies.

medianox-astrum:

enraged-chihuahua:

ur first and last recent emojis are ur gender now. mine is 🅱👨‍❤‍💋‍👨

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sakycchan:

When that disgusting season they call summer finally ends and you start feeling that sweet sweet autumn chill in the air

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shakesitoffs:

#me watching GBBO 

Ted Lasso 2.06 - The Signal

me, //

taniteiro:

femslashfantasies:

space-ex:

anneonomus:

That relatable (older) Gen Z memory: when all the projectors and white boards got replaced by Smart Boards™ around like fifth grade and none of the teachers knew how to use them but they Had To Use them otherwise the school just wasted a bunch of money and it was a rlly weird transition

an addition: when they calibrated the board by pressing the dots and everyone in class lost their minds

this how I know I’m really a millennial cause I have no idea wtf y'all are talking about

That feeling of younger millennial when they hung up those boards only in 2 or 3 classes and no one used it bcs they didn’t know how to

twinsfawn:

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even though she died two years before i was born, there were always tabloids in the grocery store about JonBenét Ramsey’s death and “new breaks in the case”. i would always stare at them and wonder who the pretty blonde girl was that died. surprisingly i didn’t know anything about 9/11 until grade school.

jomarston:

I had a great day at work today

frogdilf:

deeply disturbed by that one specific feeling after you’ve seen a really good movie (maybe it’s not “good” but you get the point). it’s just like im way too full of love and thoughts and yet im also gapingly empty and hyperaware of my place in existence at the same time, and im pretty sure i’ve unlocked a secret of the universe that i couldn’t explain to anybody else if i tried. and yeah i will forget what it is by tomorrow but from now on, anything that reminds me of that one movie and the way it left me changed inside will always just have this unplaceable emotion attached to it. weird

biggest-gaudiest-patronuses:

graceful-not:

biggest-gaudiest-patronuses:

marzipanandminutiae:

biggest-gaudiest-patronuses:

biggest-gaudiest-patronuses:

wowsirsa:

biggest-gaudiest-patronuses:

A tourist murders my sister, steals her shoes, and accepts a mission from my political rivals to literally murder me? And I’m the villain???

You owned slaves and were literally named the wicked witch

they were flying monkeys, and that defamatory nickname was chosen by, once again, my political rivals 

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i am absolutely losing my shit over this r/tumblr comment

revisionist propaganda

you enslaved the Winkies, and the flying monkeys- while technically bound to the magic cap you stole -were still sentient creatures compelled to work for you without their consent

but you would just ignore Mr. Baum’s gripping expose and focus instead on all your apologists at MGM Studios

first of all the thing with the Winkies was TAXATION, do you know how much public infrastructure costs when voters insist on literally paving the sidewalks in gold??? Absolutely no fiscal sense, Ozians.

and secondly? THOSE MONKEYS WERE FUCKING UNIONIZED

what the fuck is happening

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